Songs In Blue

I’ve had a lot of weekends away exploring this amazing country I’ve come to call home and traveled as far away as Sydney, but most of my time in 2009 was spent settling.  Settling into living away from family, my relationship with Matt and really, just life in general.  I also learned a lot about myself, got (somewhat) out of debt and even lost some weight!  I’ve done a lot and had a lot happen to me in my short 22 years and it was nice to have a bit of a rest year.

However, I think it may have been another calm before yet another storm.  What I didn’t mention in my last post is that in addition to my Dad having ALS, my Mom was also waiting for results from a scan.  She’s ok, so that’s good news, but it’s made me think of what’s next for me.

Luckily, I’m currently on a very relaxing holiday in the South Island with Matt.  We’ve been swimming, lying on the beach, taking lots of photographs (that I can’t upload now) and reading (The Lovely Bones for me, and James Bond for him).  Yesterday we went on an absolutely beautiful 5 hour coastal walk which left us both blistered and sore this morning.  Totally worth it though.  Tonight we’re going to ring in the New Year with dinner and drinks, just the two of us.

Hopefully, by the end of this trip I’ll have decided what my next move is but no matter what happens in the next year, I can take it.

So 2010, bring it on.

It’s pretty overwhelming when complete strangers take the time to send some love our way.  Thank you, everyone, for your kind words, I’ve really appreciated them.

This is new territory for me so I’m not sure how to handle it.  I think there’s going to be a lot of unwanted change over the next few months that will take some adjusting, but I just want to enjoy NOW and worry about what’s next LATER (much like my Dad).  Matt is the polar opposite and just wants to know what’s going to happen already!  That’s just another way we balance each other out. 
All I know right now is that I’m hoping to get to Vancouver for a visit early March for Spring vacation.

I’m not about to go sit in a corner feeling sorry for myself.  My dad’s not!  He’s planning on going on a Caribbean cruise with his wife (or soon to be, they’re getting married while there) in February! I told him he should go swimming with sharks and he said he would if he could!
That’s not to say that this last week hasn’t had an effect on me (I’m pretty sure I’ve cried more than I have in the last 2 years) but things happen, you deal with it and life goes on.  So we’re still going on our South Island trip, and it’ll be relaxing and fun, DAMMIT! Cause if it isn’t, I might go insane…I also want to do something that gives me a rush, so I’m thinking Bungy jumping. 

Before that, we’ll be spending Christmas at Matt’s Mom’s house.  This year there’s only 6 of us, but I’m sure it’ll be fun – his family is pretty great! Hopefully, the weather stays nice so we can sit on the deck and soak up the sun.

So yeah, that’s where I’m at right now – taking things as they come and hoping it all works out in the end.

Merry Christmas!

Ahh, the much needed update post.  One day I’ll make myself get into a routine of posting, although I wasn’t doing too bad until 3 weeks ago.  Don’t have much of an excuse except that there’s been a lot on my mind that I couldn’t really put into words.  But let’s recap, shall we?

My mom offered to pay for Matt and I to fly up to Canada then take us to Mexico for her birthday NEXT WEEK.  She had good intentions (obviously, it’s her 50th and she wants me there for it) but I just ended up really stressed out about the whole thing.  It was a lot of information to take in over the course of 3 days! 
 I ultimately said no because, a) we’ve had a trip to the South Island (leaving on my mom’s birthday) planned for 6 months and we’d have to cancel everything, and b) it was too last minute and the flight prices were INSANE.  There’s no way I could let my mom (who’s on a solo income as a school bus driver) spend that kind of money.  I would just feel so guilty about it. 
Trust me, it was a really hard decision to make!   It’s my family and I don’t see them often (or at all, with the whole ‘living on the other side of the world’ thing) and I want to make them happy.  I hate disappointing people.  But yeah, after lost sleep and tears (Matt got to witness the Ugly Cry a few times, awesome.) I’m ok with everything.  A trip to Canada might still be in my near future but I’ll talk about that as soon as I get some more info.

Three weeks ago, I went to my first Tweetup. Which I guess, officially makes me a nerd  but  I’m ok with that.  It was quite fun and great to meet new people which was something I felt I needed to do. 
Anyway, a few of the girls there decided we should have a Ladies Night.  So  Wednesday  night about 10 of us met at a bar for a few drinks then headed to a comedy gig!  A lot of conversation, laughter, and maybe a little too much wine was had by all – it was exactly what I needed (minus the hangover/going to work  in the  morning (Hi Mom and Dad!)).
One of the highlights for me was FINALLY meeting Alex who’s blog I’ve been reading for about 2 years now.  She’s originally from the UK (and has a lovely accent) but moved here almost a year ago with her Kiwi boyfriend.  ALL the girls are absolutely amazing and I can’t wait until we get together again!  Next time, I’ll bring my camera.

As I said earlier, Matt and I are going to the South Island for 2 weeks!  We’ve got a pretty awesome trip planned – full of walks, kayaking, and lying on the beach (if the weather gets better)!  One of the places we’re staying has free internet so I’ll make sure to post a few pictures.  I thought I’d see if anyone was interested in Guest Posting while I’m away? I have 6 dates up for grabs so leave a comment or email me if you’re interested!

The Taupo post is coming – I’m still editing photos and recovering from an all around bad day yesterday.  Luckily, I waited until we returned the rental car to have a complete meltdown.  I’m a clumsy/awkward person on a good day, but yesterday was pretty epic…even for me. 

It all started after we got home, unpacked from the trip and went to the grocery store for our weekly shop.  Even though I had eaten a couple hours before, my stomach went into FEED ME NOW mode and I felt like passing out.  It took everything I had to get through the shop and back home.  As a sidenote, HUNGRY and GRUMPY go hand in hand with me – I can’t have one without the other.  So I’m not sure why Matt thought it would be a good idea to DRAW ON MY BACK with PERMANENT MARKER while I was making myself a protein shake.

W.T.F.

He apologized and wiped it off with a tissue because the permanent marker? Not so permanent!  (Thank God)

At this point, I don’t know if it was the milk I used in my protein shake, having dairy on an empty stomach, the Indian food from the night before or a combination of all three but I start to feel a bit….off.  After a few trips to the bathroom, my self diagnosis is that I have a mild case of what is affectionately known around our house as THE BUM WHEEZE.  Awesome…

Luckily, it passes somewhat quickly (bad choice of words) and I get on with doing laundry and cooking dinner.  But now, I’m starting to feel really lethargic (probably thanks to the early morning, driving for 6 hours, and all of the above).  All the little things start to add up – I forget to put on the dryer, the sunburn on my chest turns into heat rash, my scalp is also burnt, and I notice the big ass pimple that’s developed on my nose.  I’m tired, whiny, my tummy hurts, and all I want is something to GO RIGHT. 

I decided a nice cold glass of Coke Zero would be a step in the right direction.  So I took out the 1.5L bottle that we had put in the freezer (we bought it off the shelf) and noticed about half of it was frozen.  No big deal, I thought.  Next thing I know, there’s a loud BANG and Coke Zero EXPLODES in my face, leaving myself and my kitchen completely soaked.  I disintegrate into a hysterical, laughing/sobbing, sticky mess and Matt quickly comes to my rescue. 

That was the worst of it, but the day continued to mock me with dinner being a giant FAIL in the flavour department. 

At least there were strawberries and chocolate sauce, a hot shower, and a comfy bed to end the day on a good note.

All the nerves, insecurities, worries, and excitement I had felt over the last few months had reached a boiling point.  I thought I was going to throw up as I gathered my things.  My legs were almost too weak to carry me through, what seemed to be, the longest corridor ever made.  My mind was racing so fast I thought it would explode as I neared the open door.  Then, as quickly as my panic had started, it was over.  I saw him.
His smile was all the reassurance I needed.

A year ago today, I got off the plane.

Apparently, I’ve been doing that a lot lately.

I could blame it on that time of the month or ‘eww’ as Matt likes to call it, but the fact is, it’s more than that.

I feel stifled.

I feel like I have to edit every aspect of my life so people only get the side of me they want. I’m a peacemaker. I hate confrontation and always want to make people happy. I put everyone’s needs in front of my own and while some may consider that a good thing, it may also be my downfall.

This is the main reason my posting has been boring and/or non-existent. I used to use my blog as an outlet. I could write about whatever I wanted, however I wanted.
Writing, for me, is therapeutic. It keeps me sane and reminds me to open up about how I feel.
But a while ago, I started getting negative comments about it. Then I started to get negative comments about my life in general. And finally, I felt like every time I want to vent or say how I feel, no one wanted to hear it.

So I did the only thing I knew would avoid these situations, and shut up. I’ve been holding everything in and this week I reached the end of my rope. I took a day off yesterday, just to avoid having a nervous breakdown at work.

I know this is all a bit heavy and trust me; it’s really hard to write. The truth is, I love my life and every aspect of it.

I would not change a thing.

But I want to be real. I’m frustrated with myself for letting things get to this point.
This isn’t me. My friends and family rely on my honesty and transparency and apparently, so do I. I don’t want to hide things about myself because I’m afraid of being judged.
I’ve started to see it affect my relationships and that scares me. I don’t want to lose Matt and other people I care about because I couldn’t get my shit together.

At the risk of sounding self centred, I like me…I think I’m a pretty cool person. I want to share what’s going on in my life because it’s pretty awesome!

So be patient with me as I attempt the surprisingly difficult task of getting my blogging mojo back.

Dear Fat,

You’ve always been quick to get rid of since you knew in a few weeks you’d be back with a vengeance.
This time around, I’ve kept 30 lbs of you off for a record time.  I intend to lose at least 15 more and keep it off…forever.

That revelation must have been terrifying because you have been holding on for dear life ever since!  No matter how healthy I eat or how much time I spend in the gym, you just WON’T LET GO!

It’s so frustrating, I’ve come up with a compromise.

I get an easy go at losing you off all areas of my body except my boobs.  Those are yours for the taking.

Deal?

Ain’t love the sweetest thing*

*The Sweetest Thing by U2

Last night, Matt was saying how he no longer had a huge desire to live in a different country after he was chartered.  He wanted to stay here in NZ and settle into a career, get a house and all that life stuff.  I mentioned that I wanted to do the same, that I didn’t really want to live overseas, I’d rather just go for holidays.
I honestly didn’t even realize what I had said until Matt pointed it out.

I already live overseas!

This is not where I was born, this is not where my family is, this is not where I’ve spent most of my life.  But I still seem to forget all that.  It’s hard to explain how I feel about living here, and even if I could find the words, it would be hard for people to understand.

Back in Canada, I had no idea what I was doing and just felt lost and confused.  I didn’t feel like I had a place there or that I belonged.  I knew before I left that I was doing the right thing in moving to NZ, amid all my worrying and concerns other people brought up.  It’s been 5 months now and I haven’t regretted it once.

The only thing I miss about Canada is my family, and even that isn’t a big deal because I talk to them every couple weeks and know that I’m just a long plane ride away.  I’m not going to lie, it took a couple months to adjust to the idea of being here long term, but now I feel completely settled and happy.  I have an awesome boyfriend, love my job and am starting to get some sweet friends.  I want to have a career, get a car and a house, and continue to build a life here.
I feel like I’ve been in this country forever and don’t want to leave.  That may seem like a contradiction to my last post, but while I am still proud to say I’m Canadian, New Zealand is where I feel at home.