Apparently, I’ve been doing that a lot lately.
I could blame it on that time of the month or ‘eww’ as Matt likes to call it, but the fact is, it’s more than that.
I feel stifled.
I feel like I have to edit every aspect of my life so people only get the side of me they want. I’m a peacemaker. I hate confrontation and always want to make people happy. I put everyone’s needs in front of my own and while some may consider that a good thing, it may also be my downfall.
This is the main reason my posting has been boring and/or non-existent. I used to use my blog as an outlet. I could write about whatever I wanted, however I wanted.
Writing, for me, is therapeutic. It keeps me sane and reminds me to open up about how I feel.
But a while ago, I started getting negative comments about it. Then I started to get negative comments about my life in general. And finally, I felt like every time I want to vent or say how I feel, no one wanted to hear it.
So I did the only thing I knew would avoid these situations, and shut up. I’ve been holding everything in and this week I reached the end of my rope. I took a day off yesterday, just to avoid having a nervous breakdown at work.
I know this is all a bit heavy and trust me; it’s really hard to write. The truth is, I love my life and every aspect of it.
I would not change a thing.
But I want to be real. I’m frustrated with myself for letting things get to this point.
This isn’t me. My friends and family rely on my honesty and transparency and apparently, so do I. I don’t want to hide things about myself because I’m afraid of being judged.
I’ve started to see it affect my relationships and that scares me. I don’t want to lose Matt and other people I care about because I couldn’t get my shit together.
At the risk of sounding self centred, I like me…I think I’m a pretty cool person. I want to share what’s going on in my life because it’s pretty awesome!
So be patient with me as I attempt the surprisingly difficult task of getting my blogging mojo back.
Oh, sweetie. You know that I love you so much, right. If you ever need to talk, please call me (or I can call you).
Love you.
Angella´s last blog ..This Is What I Did, This Is What I’m Going To Do
I can definitely relate. I’ve been feeling the same way lately. I don’t “know” you, but from what I do know, I agree. You’re pretty damn cool!
Sharon´s last blog ..On grief and regret
WOW, I see you and Ang are somewhat on the same page today. I too have to edit myself…constantly!! But that is my potty mouth for the most part. And due to that mouth I don’t post much at all because I know I would offend/hurt someones feelings. It sucks but i don’t have the gift of words that you and Ang have. I will repeat what Ang says above, if you need an ear you can always call or give me your number and I can call you. ANY time of ANY day!! Not that I expect you to take it hun but my advise is be YOURSELF!! You need to worry about you more!! We all love YOU, the real you!! I’m heading down to Paris this weekend for Carrie’s going away party. Candace is coming in for it too, I’ll make sure I take lots of pics so you can see everyone. Take care and keep in touch
Mel´s last blog ..Going Home
I say be yourself. I know what you are going through and you can see from my blog that it’s happening to me. I have as much patience as you need me to have and I’m here for you too. You know my email address so if you ever need to talk I’m here for you. Especially now that I don’t have a job! haha.
heathercoo´s last blog ..Grace in Small Things: 19 of 365
Oh honey. I am SO glad I landed on your blog tonight. It’s been a long time.
I don’t know for how long you read me, but I think part of what drew you (and most people for that matter) to my writing was the bleak honesty. I’ve put it ALL out there. Every single last disqusting, shocking and disturbing detail. Sure, I’ve become cozy with the delete button, but the point is that in the moment, it felt so good to show my true colours – and get feedback from the amazing people I’ve met through my blog, you included.
That being said, it’s come at a price.
I’ve lost a few friends, have had massive fights with my family and have encountered some really bitter, awful comments along the way from people who don’t KNOW me. Every awesome blogger is going to have criticisms. It stings at first. You seem like a very nurturing, giving, soft and beautiful soul. To read nasty things will hurt like hell. On the other hand, you seem like a very strong, very smart and very experienced woman. A woman that will eventually realize that there are some miserable and unhappy people out there who are stuck in high school that will be out to get you. Perhaps they missed out on the normal, social, fun-loving life we both probably had. And have.
In the end, all you can do is pity them and walk away.
Please don’t take it to heart. Please let your voice continue to sing and shine her on your blog. YOUR. BLOG. This little corner of the internet is all YOURS, sweetie. Don’t let anyone hold you back. Talk about this blog and draw lines with the closest people to your heart and don’t cross those lines. If you need to talk about them, be respectful and open a private blog and vent there to friends and readers you trust and cherish the opinions of. Just don’t let blogging affect your real-life relationships if you can help it – because it can be ugly and hurt them. I’ve been there many times and it’s not worth it.
You so obviously need an outlet. I find that writing to the world is so therapeutic to me – sometimes more so than my own therapist.
So keep going and don’t stop, okay
And email me if you want to talk or need anything.
Huckdoll´s last blog ..Sketchy
Don’t bow to the pressure and try to be somebody you’re not. You have many people who love you just the way you are. I, for one, like to read blogs that are REAL. HONEST. I don’t like reading sugar-coated posts. Life is not always easy, opinions are not always popular, beliefs are not always shared … but that’s what makes us all diverse and unique! How boring would it be if we all thought the same things and said the same things? Be yourself, because YOU are an awesome person!! (sooooo wish I was meeting you next weekend!!!)
Hannah´s last blog ..Love vs Romance