Songs In Blue

First of all, I have to say thank you for all the awesome comments I got on my last post. You guys ROCK! I can’t tell you how much better I’ve felt since writing that. It took a lot to work up the courage, but it was so worth it!

Now that that’s all taken care of, let’s get back to the fun stuff, shall we?

A while ago, I mentioned that I was in the process of getting a Partnership Visa so I could stay in NZ and keep my job. Things changed, and I no longer needed it for my work contract so I put it off until I had enough money and was running out of time on my current visa.

After a couple months of gathering all the evidence we had to prove we were in a ‘genuine and stable relationship’ (emails, pictures, bank statements) and making it look pretty (highlighters are my friend), I finally sent in my application.
But, I forgot to include the fee.

I’m awesome like that.

So I called and begged them to not send my application back and said I’d be in the next morning to drop off the fee. They agreed and soon had everything they needed to judge me. These things usually take weeks to process, so I was left to hold my breath and wait. Which I hate doing. Maybe they knew that because three days later I was approved.

YAY!

This visa gives me another year in NZ, plus I can get permanent work instead of just short term contracts. I can’t wait for the day when I’m a resident and don’t have to worry about things like this. It’s enough to do my head in!

While I’m on the topic, I’m also waiting on some documents from my mom so I can get an Irish passport. My grandpa was born in Ireland and I can gain citizenship through him! That means if I happen to go over to the UK, I can live, work and travel all over the EU! I’m trying to get my younger siblings to do it too, since they might as well! Matt can also get the same thing through his dad, except he’d be on a British passport.
It’s pretty cool that there are options like this out there. Yeah, it might be a lot of paperwork but it’s definitely worth it in the long run.

Apparently, I’ve been doing that a lot lately.

I could blame it on that time of the month or ‘eww’ as Matt likes to call it, but the fact is, it’s more than that.

I feel stifled.

I feel like I have to edit every aspect of my life so people only get the side of me they want. I’m a peacemaker. I hate confrontation and always want to make people happy. I put everyone’s needs in front of my own and while some may consider that a good thing, it may also be my downfall.

This is the main reason my posting has been boring and/or non-existent. I used to use my blog as an outlet. I could write about whatever I wanted, however I wanted.
Writing, for me, is therapeutic. It keeps me sane and reminds me to open up about how I feel.
But a while ago, I started getting negative comments about it. Then I started to get negative comments about my life in general. And finally, I felt like every time I want to vent or say how I feel, no one wanted to hear it.

So I did the only thing I knew would avoid these situations, and shut up. I’ve been holding everything in and this week I reached the end of my rope. I took a day off yesterday, just to avoid having a nervous breakdown at work.

I know this is all a bit heavy and trust me; it’s really hard to write. The truth is, I love my life and every aspect of it.

I would not change a thing.

But I want to be real. I’m frustrated with myself for letting things get to this point.
This isn’t me. My friends and family rely on my honesty and transparency and apparently, so do I. I don’t want to hide things about myself because I’m afraid of being judged.
I’ve started to see it affect my relationships and that scares me. I don’t want to lose Matt and other people I care about because I couldn’t get my shit together.

At the risk of sounding self centred, I like me…I think I’m a pretty cool person. I want to share what’s going on in my life because it’s pretty awesome!

So be patient with me as I attempt the surprisingly difficult task of getting my blogging mojo back.